funnygxy:

a hush fell over him and he looked down at the
ground. it seemed highly interesting at the moment.
of course he had, and still did. feelings were something
xander didn’t admit too lightly. he was raised by parents
that only knew the value of good liquor and a heated
argument. he would’ve never said it if he’d never felt
it for her. there was a lot of guilt residing in what he’d
done to her. he hadn’t expected the flowers to cure her
heartache or quell her anger.

      he hadn’t expected her to ever forgive him and didn’t really want her
      too. lord knows he hasn’t forgiven himself for it either. he’d hurt a lot
      of people with what he and willow had done. and at this point he was
      willing to say that it wasn’t worth it. because honestly it wasn’t worth
      cordelia’s pain. it wasn’t worth her tears. and it certainly wasn’t worth
      her almost dying. she was very lucky to have survived that accident.
      and when she’d fallen, when he’d seen her in such a state, his heart
      had stopped and if she hadn’t survived that he didn’t know what he
      would’ve done.

    picking up his gaze he looked her dead in the eyes. trying to
    find the right words. though they’d never be good enough to
    erase what he’d done he hoped that at least it would help rather
    than hurt.

                                            ” cordy, i never would’ve told you i loved you
                                               if i didn’t. what i did was stupid, cruel and
                                               i know i’ll never be able to take back what
                                             i did…but i do regret it and i know it was one
                                               of the stupidest mistakes i’ve ever made. “

She can’t decide if she’s relieved or upset by his answer.

He loved her. Their relationship, as weird and
messed up as it had been, hadn’t been a lie.

                                  But if he loved her, then how could he do this?
                                  He knows exactly what she’d given up to be
                                  with him. Maybe to someone who was never
                                  popular in the first place, giving up your “friends”
                                  isn’t a big deal, but Cordelia had changed her
                                  entire life for his sake. That isn’t easy, especially
                                  when you’re seventeen years old and frightened
                                  of being alone, more than anything else.

She's gone from being queen bee to being Xander Harris’
scraps, tossed to the side in favor of Willow Rosenberg,
and she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to forgive him for
that. Nevermind the rebar through her gut.

Hands crossed protectively over her scarred abdomen, she meets
his gaze sadly, before breaking it and glancing towards the floor.

                                  “…Then why did you do it?”