ofvampiresandvisions asked:

diifficile:

a hush fell over him and he looked down at the
ground. it seemed highly interesting at the moment.
of course he had, and still did. feelings were something
xander didn’t admit too lightly. he was raised by parents
that only knew the value of good liquor and a heated
argument. he would’ve never said it if he’d never felt
it for her. there was a lot of guilt residing in what he’d
done to her. he hadn’t expected the flowers to cure her
heartache or quell her anger.

                   he hadn’t expected her to ever forgive him and didn’t really want her
                   too. lord knows he hasn’t forgiven himself for it either. he’d hurt a lot
                   of people with what he and willow had done. and at this point he was
                   willing to say that it wasn’t worth it. because honestly it wasn’t worth
                   cordelia’s pain. it wasn’t worth her tears. and it certainly wasn’t worth
                   her almost dying. she was very lucky to have survived that accident.
                   and when she’d fallen, when he’d seen her in such a state, his heart
                   had stopped and if she hadn’t survived that he didn’t know what he
                   would’ve done.

    picking up his gaze he looked her dead in the eyes. trying to
    find the right words. though they’d never be good enough to
    erase what he’d done he hoped that at least it would help rather
    than hurt.

                                            ” cordy, i never would’ve told you i loved you
                                               if i didn’t. what i did was stupid, cruel and
                                               i know i’ll never be able to take back what
                                               i did…but i do regret it and i know it was one
                                               of the stupidest mistakes i’ve ever made. “